Day 105: Twenty Three

Laura’s at Everafter Farms in Webwood to Brian’s in Massey

It was the first night I’ve had dreams in a while. I must have had vivid dreams every night for the first 70 days, and then I guess my body adjusted to different beds every night and I forgot my dreams. So last night, sleeping in the tent after 4 nights in a bed was maybe what did it. That, and waking up from the cold. It was so cold, it must have dropped pretty low last night, it kept me awake most of the early hours. When I did finally get out of my sleeping bag and put on my touque, my body was sore. Legs and back and neck. We did that thing we do most mornings when we camp; Look at our bags open, our stuff strewn everywhere, and feel overwhelmed at where to start. But you just do. Breakfast, start with that. Okay. We need hot water. Do we climb the hill to the fire pit, or find a kettle. I opted for option two, and luckily found one in the feed room. We made hot oatmeal packets and coffee. The pre-packaged oats were so sweet I could hardly eat half of them. It’s like my body is saying “enough sugar! Enough crappy food!”.

We managed to get most things packed when Laura’s husband offered us cappuccinos. Yes please! We were off later than expected (yet expected) at 9:45. The day was still just warming up, so it felt earlier. The sun wasn’t hot yet, and the first few kilometres were beautiful. Hydro poles in wildflower fields. Open spaces and bright blue skies. I went in and out of trying to admire the beauty of the day, take it in, and day dream about the future. About life in the city, nights out and days in acting classes.

I spoke to my dad on the phone, and he reminded me to try and just be present and enjoy the last 2 weeks. I’m trying, it feels that’s what the days are now. Just be present, try to find joy in the trees and the sky and the summer warmth. But I’m exhausted. I feel bored. I just want to be at home and “get on” with my life. Though I know life is now. So each day, each moment is trying to be here and my mind wanting to be elsewhere. I don’t think there is a secret for presence, I think it takes work. So I try and still my mind and enjoy what is. Like my last day being 23. Reflecting on all that’s happened this year. All that had changed for me. I can definitely say that 23 has been the biggest for personal change and insight. I hope I only continue to learn. And if 23 has been anything, its been nothing like I ever expected. So I can expect the same for 24. Best to dream but not expect anything.

There’s this lyric, "Hello to that easy living, goodbye to my homes and dreams" by Portugal.The Man. I don’t want to do that. I want to make sure whatever happens next, whatever comforts come from leading a relatively ‘normal’ life, don’t take me away from all my hopes and dreams.

The day carried on. Jewel and I being ridiculous in our boredom and the relatively mundaneness of our day. Get up, walk a lot, go to sleep, repeat. Jewel was so tired, we were about to go down a gravel hill. "I could just roll down this hill" she said. I told her to, and she did. She lay down in the gravel, helmet still on, and literally log rolled down the hill. She was covered in dust and dirt, and it didn't work as well as expected. We both laughed and continued, exasperated. We dreamed about the future, what it would be like when we get home, what we want to do and build for the horses in their paddock.

We were back on the highway... UGH! I hate the highway. Any attempt at presence goes away and I let my mind drift away to save myself from the tension that comes from feeling like you could be hit by a speeding car any minute.

We finally turned onto Seldom Seen Road. The coolest road name we've seen for sure. Immediate peace and relaxation after turning off the highway. We arrived at Wendy and Brian's. They had two huge dogs, Sasha and Bear. A ton of goats, one goat, Rose, thought she was a dog and was allowed in the house. There were turkeys, alpacas, and chickens, all roaming around in their fenced in back yard.