Day 36: Silently Screaming - 31km

Park Adventure Mont-Citadel to Saint-Modest Camping

Today was a long one, and a rough one. Trying to think back to where we started and I couldn’t remember. That’s how long the days are, I can’t even believe the place I woke up this morning before 6am was part of this day. We had a good start, the sun was so bright I thought my watch was off when the light was coming in the tent at 4:40am. It was nice to get up before 6, have time to shower. But even as I got out of the tent it was hot, and the bugs were already out! Usually we have a few hours before they get bad.. not today. We left by 8:40. Much better than our previous week, as we got Joseph to get up before his usual 7am and cook us breakfast and make the fire, which saved Jewel and I more time to pack. The beginning of the day was good.

We were back on the path and it was beautiful. I’d spoken to my best friend Katherine the day before, and I was telling her I wasn’t meditating. My acting teacher and mentor had told me to meditate an hour a day on the trip. I was working up to it in the months leading to the trip, and was even doing 30 minutes at the beginning. But once we started putting in more mileage I would fall asleep trying to meditate. Katherine reminded me I could practice mindfulness while walking, that I don’t necessarily have to be sitting down with my eyes closed for it to count as meditation. so true and perfect for this trip.

I started doing it today. Just focusing on the smells and sounds around me, my feet hitting the gravel, Lux’s hooves beside me, his breath and my own. Before i knew it time was passing quickly and I felt a lot more at ease.

We’d been going for 4 hours straight with only small grass breaks for the horses. Jewel and I were waiting for this lake that was promised but it was not the listed 5km away. There was a large grassy area, an outhouse and a picnic table under a pavilion. I suggested we stop there; shade and grass for horses. Jewel really wanted to go swimming in the lake, so I suggested she walk ahead a bit and see if she could find it. I pre-emptively started taking off Lux’s packs. Then Jewel called me, there was no way to get to the lake, just a ton of brush, and asked if I was coming. I said I thought we were resting here. Jewel, exhausted, decided to stay where she was, and I stayed where I was. I took off Ora’s packs and had a restless break. Between swatting away bugs, mosquitos, feeding the horses, finding the horses water, and then putting aloe and coconut oil on the horses sores, it’s not much of a break, and only to pack everything right back on again.

Ora kicked at me with both back legs when I went to put aloe on her. Something she’d done a few times to Jewel. I got angry, as she could have seriously injured me, and chased her away with the closest thing I could find, Lux’s breast collar. Then I tied her up for a time out while I tacked her up first, Lux second. How was I going to walk two horses with sliding packs?

Jewel texted me saying she was going to keep moving because the bugs were bad. Okay. I’d ride Ora cause it helps hold the packs in place, and lead Lux. Good. Except how to get on? I used Lux’s stirrup and while holding his lead rope and Ora’s reins, managed to hoist myself on Ora. Ora, not used to being the lead, figured it out, and Lux followed well behind. I even started videoing, I was so proud, thinking to myself, I could totally do this alone. How wrong I was….

5 minutes later Ora’s blue packs fell off. Hop off. Put them on. Hoist myself back up. Then she poops… leave that.. then Lux’s packs start to slip. Get off. Then get back on Ora. Then Ora’s packs slip. Get off, walk. Ora’s packs fall again….

You get the gist. So this was happening to the point where I was maniacally laughing and crying and wanting to scream F**CK YOU to the entire woods. This poor main biked by mid breakdown, “bonjour” he said. The first person that actually said hello today. I mumbled something but really just wanted to scream. I told Jewel she better start walking back and she did.

I think a lot of anger, sadness, everything just comes up in those moments. And sometimes it’s nice to just let it out instead of holding it in for other people’s comfort. I tried to bring back the mindfulness and headspace I had earlier. It didn’t come, not really. Mostly I just felt bad and sad for getting so mad at Ora. Although she was behaving badly at points, it’s never really her fault. She didn’t sign up to carry these stupid packs that keep falling off. It’s all problems of our own making. I was so happy to see Jewel walking around the corner to me. I wasn’t sure if she could tell i was upset, but when she came close, we just shared this knowing look. This is what she has been dealing with the past 3 weeks. And we both just laughed. I handed her the reins and I walked ahead with my favourite horse Lux.

The day didn’t get much better after that. It was HOT, and I had about one sip left of water, I’d even polished off my 48oz bottle earlier. I was parched, hot and feeling a little delierious from all the previous emotions and fiasco. Jewel didn’t have much water either, and she needed hers. Her phone was now dead, we didn’t know how far we still had to go.

Then there’s these construction workers, one of them is taking pictures of me which made me a bit uncomfortable, but okay, I get it, horses! right. Then he tells me in broken english that horses are forbidden on the trial. “Oh really? Oh.. sorry, it’s the only trail to get to the campsite and it’s dangerous for us on the highway.” He noticed Lux was wearing boots and wanted to get pictures of them too. Maybe he had to report back to someone. I told him we were raising money for guide dogs, and they seemed interested in what we were doing while also telling us we couldn’t be there.

We kept walking, and thank goodness there was a sign for water. It was this little pipe coming out of a hill of dirt. But it was clear, fresh and cold and we downed it. Felt like a long walk the rest of the way. We finally arrived.. I didn’t even check what time. But the owner of the only campsite that would have us (I called 5 and was turned down at every other) was nice, and has a wonderful set up. I’m currently sitting in a large screened in tent at a cute table, the horses have grass we cut with a whipper snipper and picked up an brought to the horses. Joseph got groceries and were making a feast of baked potatoes, corn and burgers for our rough long day. We even jumped into the pond that was here. That felt amazing, we felt so fresh and new coming out of the cold crisp water.

Another immaculate sunset. I'm still getting the hang of the camera, as you can see in the picture below. Above, pro-Joseph plays with shutter speed to get this cool image of the pond.

Now we're all smiles after cooling down, eating, and feeling safe.

I’m trying not to think and worry too much about tomorrow. Especially after today. Right now, the bugs are away, foods on the way and we’re all safe and warm. And it’s beautiful here. Tomorrow will be different, new.